Scruples

At one point, Francis had suffered from an illness, but he had become a little stronger after the worst of it.  It seemed to him that he had given himself some leniency during that weakness, even though he had only eaten a little.  He arose one day, although he was not yet free from the fever, and he had the people of Assisi called together in the marketplace, for preaching.  When his sermon was done he warned the people that no one should go away from there until he returned to them.  Then he entered the cathedral of St. Rufinus with many friars and with Brother Peter of Catana who had been canon of that church and was chosen first Minister-General by Francis, he spoke to that brother peter, ordering him by obedience, that he should without contradiction do whatever he said to him.  Brother Peter answered, “Brother, I neither may nor ought, will or do anything except as it may please you.”  Casting off his tunic, Francis told him to bind a cord around his neck and to drag him naked to the place where he had preached, and then at that place to throw ashes over his face.  But Brother Peter did not obey him because of the compassion he had for him.  But Peter did take the cord bound around his neck, dragged him out, as Francis had ordered.  He was weeping so hard, and the other friars who were with him shed tears of compassion and of bitterness. 

            When Francis had been led naked before everyone up to the place where he had preached, he said, “You, and all those who, after my example, leave this world and enter religion and the life of the friars, believe me to be a holy man, but I confess to God and to you that I have eaten in my infirmity meat and broth made from meat.”  And all began to weep over him for great pity and compassion, especially because it was then Winter and a very intense frost, and he was not yet recovered from his fever.  Striking their breasts, they accused themselves, saying, “If this saint, for just and clear necessity, accuses himself with so much shame—although we know him to be holy, and we know to be living in the flesh as if almost dead on account of the great abstinence and austerity which he has made to his body from the beginning of his conversion to Christ— what shall we wretched ones do, who for the whole time of our lives have lived and still live according to the desires of our flesh?”

                        -Mirror of Perfection, Section IV, Chapter 61

Was Francis justified to condemn himself for such a small action?  We don't know his heart, or his personal commitment before God, but certainly eating some extra protein when he is sick isn't a sin.  In fact, if it were one of Francis' brothers, he would insist that the brother be forgiven and that nothing be done in punishment to him.  But Francis wouldn't forgive himself.  His guilt was such that he insisted on such an extreme punishment.

God does not require such dramatics in order to be forgiven.  God wants a penitent heart and a confessing mouth, and God is ready to forgive.  Francis himself displays that in other stories.  For some of us, it is much harder for us to forgive ourselves than it is for God to forgive us, or for us to forgive others.  We need to remember that God demands mercy, not sacrifice-- even for ourselves.  If God has forgiven us and we refuse to forgive ourselves, then we are calling God a liar.